We'll see | Matt Zimmerman

Apologies are something I still have trouble with from time to time.  I’m going to be prescriptive in this article, though, because I think I’ve learned a thing or two about the right and wrong ways to do it, thanks to some of the people I’ve hurt who have cared enough to tell me how they felt.

I was taught from a young age that the words “I’m sorry” were the cure for hurt feelings, whether they resulted from harsh words, physical pain or thoughtlessness.  While I learned the ritual of it from this training, I had to learn separately what it really meant, and develop the emotional aptitude to put it into practice.

I wonder whether this ritualization of apology makes it more difficult for us to learn to do it properly.  We seem to confuse the language of apology with the feeling of regret, or the act of reconciliation.  Apologies are only words, unless they successfully convey regret for our actions, and a desire to do better in the future.

For example, consider the phenomenon of the non-apology apology.  This happens when someone feels the need to fulfill the ritual of apology with words, but doesn’t seem to regret their actions or wish to truly reconcile.  They may recognize that the other party is hurt, but not accept responsibility for it.  They may conditionalize the apology so as to avoid even acknowledging the hurt.  They may even blame the injured party for their own hurt, while still participating in the ritual and satisfying their trained impulses.

“I’m sorry if…”

This type of non-apology fails to acknowledge the consequences of our actions.  Maybe we hurt someone, or maybe we didn’t.  Who is to say?  In the hypothetical scenario wherein we hurt someone, we suppose we would be sorry.  Who’s to say?  When it’s clear that someone has been hurt, and that our actions caused them to be hurt, a conditional apology is tantamount to a denial.

• I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings
• I’m sorry if I crossed a line
• I’m sorry if I was an asshat

“I’m sorry, but…”

These “apologies” are really excuses in disguise.  They justify our actions, and thereby absolve us of responsibility.  They fail to recognize that, regardless of what our intentions were, we hurt someone.  It’s sometimes appropriate to offer an explanation, but that’s a separate matter from the apology, and the two don’t mix.  Attaching an explanation to an apology dilutes the apology to the point of meaninglessness.

• I’m sorry, but I didn’t mean it (that way)
• I’m sorry, but I was only joking
• I’m sorry, but I’m just speaking my mind
• I’m sorry, but you must have misunderstood me
• I’m sorry, but I don’t know what I did wrong

“I’m sorry [that] you…”

These insidious non-apologies deflect responsibility away from ourselves and onto the injured party.  They imply that they hurt themselves, and that our actions were incidental.  They often focus on the symptoms of distress, rather than the cause.

• I’m sorry you feel that way
• I’m sorry you are upset
• I’m sorry you were offended

A proper apology

• Validates the hurt
• Takes responsibility for having caused it, regardless of intent
• Expresses regret for one’s actions

It will also convey a desire to avoid repeating the same mistake in the future.  I think this is usually implicit, though, and doesn’t need to be stated unless it requires clarification.  If you do something wrong and clearly regret it, it will be inferred that you’ll avoid doing it in the future.

Apologies are easiest when the mistake is a simple one: a trodden foot, a late appearance, a forgotten courtesy.  The injury and the cause are both obvious in these cases.  We usually get into trouble where there is a more complex emotional conflict involved.  In such situations, we’re not always sure what happened or why, and may need to explore that before we can even begin to apologize.  This may require cooperation with the injured party, which can be especially difficult in a conflict situation.

Nevertheless, even in an emotional conflict, it can help to draw parallels with a simple apology.  It’s been years since I last made an HTML table, but here goes:

Of course, this is still “just” language, and needs to be supported by authenticity of expression (i.e. you need to believe it for the magic words to work).  An apology may be only the last step of a long process of understanding and reconciliation.

Still, watching our words helps us to notice when we’ve got it wrong, which may be half the battle.